In high school, it seemed that I couldn’t get enough of the Steve Miller Band. I guess we all have those music phases. My Led Zeppelin phase was so involved that I couldn’t even bear the thought of listening to them for nearly 20 years after the phase came to a halt. I still cannot listen to Pink Floyd. Some things are meant to be left behind as a part of a season during our lives.
This morning, I wrote on my personal Facebook page about motherhood, chaotic mornings, and the exhausting and age-old feeling of not being enough. Okay. I KNOW that I’m enough. I really do. I don’t need those pep talks or quotes that I dish out (or maybe not too many anyway), but what I did need to know is that I wasn’t alone in the world of moms.
Truth: I feel like time and purpose have been slipping by since I posted my last blog in April. We’ve moved from Atlanta to Philadelphia. Beginning in April and until a few weeks ago, life has been about purging, staging, organizing, packing up, saying goodbye to my dearest of friends, saying hello to hopefully many new ones, and continuing to unpack and settle in to a new speed (slower in so many ways, thankfully), new climate, and new home.
[Side thought: Kids. Wow. They adjust so well. I wish there was a Kid Pill. I would take it to be more fun, energetic, resilient, creative, non-stop. LOL. At the same time, I would not want the side effects of whining, dilly-dallying, feeling left out by my classmates, experiencing the first pangs of defeat, having over-tired emotional outbursts (wait, I do still have those and it’s not a side effect) or the endless need to eat.]
I woke up today and felt a void. It’s not the kind that you snap out of it and know exactly what it is and seize the moment. Today, it was more of the realization that my personal and professional YES! is changing and I want to know more before I feel like time is slipping into the future.
For the past two years, I have helped both men and women get more clear about who they are, their gifts and talents, skills and passions, and helping them develop their personal brand so they can get into action personally and professionally.
For the past six months, my business has been completely on hold. I do not regret that decision one bit. In fact, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made and has allowed me to help usher us into this new place and time in our lives. At the same time, let’s be honest. As a wife of a traveling husband, mom of two amazing boys, and new caregiver when-needed and friend to my mother-in-law, it’s hard to see where my professional life fits in.
Leave it to one question to shake things up a bit.
I was picking up my boys from school yesterday when I was asked by an aftercare volunteer, “Do you work?”
Do you work?
(Well, of course.)
It was a legitimate and thoughtful question, because they need more volunteers in the after school program. I answered, “I used to before our move. I had a part-time success coaching and consulting business…” and I went on to explain my work. As I spoke each word, I felt this new and distinct sense of mourning or loss. It was as if I had said goodbye to my work forever. It was so strange. I can’t tell you how off-form that made me feel. I LOVE being a full-time Mom. That isn’t going to stop.
God, wife, mother, family, friends…service, work…
That has been the order and it IS the right order. At the same time, I have used some of the move and this transition as an excuse as I’ve neglected my time management and prioritization skills to a fault.
Another truth: I miss my work outside the home and in service to others beyond my family. It is like missing an important baking ingredient in the delicious cake recipe that is my life.
It was the wake-up call question that has had me reeling ever since.
“Do you work?”
Ahem. Yes. I do. You do. We all do.
For me, the pause needs to be over. It’s time to rev up these engines again and it’s time to motor on even if the speed is slow or the destination unknown.
Looking back on yesterday, this is what happened: I felt like everything that I had been working toward, everything I’ve been developing at Betsy Harvey Inc. when I went on retreat in Miami last January, with all of my beautiful and strong clients, and all that I was doing to work on developing a stronger business centered on coaching, speaking and or authorship….it seemed to have died.
It was as if that question, “Do you work?” triggered a mourning process. It all seemed so distant, meaningless, old and dated, not worthwhile, and worse, far away. It was if I had slipped into the future and it was all gone.
That moment something inside me got a little ticked off and a lot uncomfortable.
It was that “Hells No” feeling and knowing that Betsy Harvey Inc. is NOT over and that I have a mission and calling to fulfill despite the greatest of unknown or unfamiliar challenges that may lie in my way. I have to do this thing.
You know and I know God will provide the open doors.
So…after another not so awesome parenting morning this morning (see my personal Facebook page for that fun), I came home, made breakfast, got sucked into the hole of social media and found myself a bit disgusted with myself as I saw the time (10:00 AM), the dishes, and felt completely disinterested in all-things-housework.
So I marched myself upstairs to my third floor “office”. Translation: catch-all for everything I cannot seem to figure out what to do with (fallout from moving).
I realized that I want to be here. I want to work in this space. I want to serve. I want to create. I want to write. I want to help.
I feel 100% called to be back in my business even if it’s smaller, different, or uncharted. I want this room to really be my office/creative haven/retreat house/war room/prayer place.
This IS my time to figure out how to say YES and be big in it.Time is not going to slip into the future. Not unless I’m fully on board and stepping boldly into my YES.
Today is the day. Cold, dreary, and a touch bitter outside. Messy, unsure, and cluttered inside. In my heart though, I feel like I’m at the base of a great mountain where God spoke through someone else and asked me, “Do you work?” This morning, I find myself answering:
Yes Lord. I do work. I work for you. I will fly like an eagle. Just show me the way.